When People Say, "I don’t know if I could love a child that isn’t mine."

I was thinking the other day about people who have said about adoption that they don’t know whether they could love a child if it wasn’t their own. I used to get angry about that comment but now I think I understand it a little better, at least I am trying too. I think those comments are said out of fear and ignorance about adoption. At least I hope they are. I have just never been able to relate to that comment so I was trying to understand what would make a person think that. I was trying to figure out- why is biology so important? Having a biological tie to your child is so amazing and wonderful but not having one doesn’t make them any less amazing or make being their parent any less wonderful.

I wonder if maybe I can’t fully understand this feeling since I was blessed with the pregnancies of my boys. But, I always wanted to adopt. I just always knew it was something that I wanted to do. I never fully understood that feeling inside but I also think those are the things God has planned for us but just doesn’t tell us the whole plan all at once. It’s just something inside you that you feel and it just takes some time for the whole plan to work itself out. Anyway, to those of you who wonder if you could love a child that isn’t yours I will hold back from screaming at you that biology doesn’t make a child yours and I will instead tell you what I feel does make a child yours.

What I feel makes a child yours is the love you feel in your heart and soul for them. What makes a child yours is the feeling that you have that you would do anything for them. What makes a child yours is the pain and hurt you feel when they are hurt and the joy and happiness you feel when they are happy. What makes a child yours is the fear you feel inside that you will be a bad parent or somehow mess them up. What makes a child yours is the instinct you have to protect them from any harm or jump in front of a speeding car to sacrifice your life for theirs without even the second of a hesitation. A child becomes yours the moment you become their parent. For me this happened the instant I read the plus sign on those little home pregnancy tests. The moment I saw those plus signs, both times, I felt this enormous warmth of love and protection that I knew would only grow. The moment was then intensified when I heard my babies cry and the moments I held them in my arms. Those are the moments a parent never forgets.

The other moment that I will never forget was when we got that call. When we got that call from Lisa at the Children’s Home. When I first heard her name…Araya, when I first heard she was there waiting for us, I knew I loved her. Then when I saw her. When Karen opened that door and there she was. Karen was holding her and there she was just waiting for us, our daughter, our beautiful baby girl just there smiling and kicking. My love for her became even more intense and real. It’s just what you do when you become a parent. It doesn’t matter how, when, or, where but when God gives you a child you love them. The fact that I didn’t birth Araya made her no less of a child to me. She is mine. That’s what I will never get, they are yours. I guess I will never understand why just because someone does not have your DNA people feel they not “theirs”. They are!! At least for me they are. Let someone try and tell me or my daughter she isn’t mine. Hmm, well they can try but in that case I just might not be so understanding. My mom instinct may kick in a little too hard :)

So for anyone wondering whether they can love a child that isn’t theirs I challenge them to a few question. Do you love anything in your life? Do you have a friend you love? A husband, wife, boy or girlfriend? Have you felt an unconditional love for any of these people? If the answer is yes then guess what… you can love something that isn’t yours because you alreday do. None of these are “yours” based on DNA but you still love them. If you can love another human being then trust me, when those innocent eyes look into yours and call you mommy or daddy you will love them. The first time you see them smile or hear them cry you will love them. You will love them so much it will scare you!!! Being a parent is the scariest experience in the world but it is the most rewarding, spiritual experience on earth.

And for those that have tried and tried but cannot experience the miracle of pregnancy I pray you will experience the miracle of parenthood through adoption. I like to think that for some reason God has a special gift waiting for you and that one day you will be united with your little blessing.